Little Help...

Whatever happened to Baby Jane?

The Homeschooler and I are supposed to dress as Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? for Halloween. Obviously I'm Bette Davis. But I'm having a tough time finding a wheelchair on short notice. Does anyone know a good place to pick up a "free" wheelchair? Do you know anyone who keeps a spare wheelchair around in case of emergencies? I actually don't have any of the costume yet. I really just want to do the face make-up. I'm a sucker and a half for bad aging make-up. But it's the wheelchair that really makes the costume. Especially when they have to lower the bus for me to push Homeschooler-as-joan-crawford on, and buckle her chair into the freshly vacated handicapped seating...

GREeeeaaat!

I just took the GRE's and HOUSED them. Not that I'm bragging, actually I'm pretty sure that anyone could do well on them if they were unemployed and studied like it was a job. Also I didn't really house them but I am "satisfied with my score." Which is just as well. Plus I'm glad to not have to take them again, because I don't like the idea of having to sit still for that long and not be watching TV. But now that I'm done there's a little empty place in my heart where my flashcards used to be. I'm all ready to study for something else. I already miss the soundproof headphones they give you to take the test. Maybe I'll get a pair of my own and play "standardized test" at home. Oh well, what's done is done. Great, now I'm speaking in PLATITUDES. Thanks GRE!!!

Fan Letters

In my life I have written fan letters for two products. The first, Febreze Scent Stories. The second, Tab Cola. Am I THAT person? Yes I threw a Golden Girls dinner party, complete with Crystal Lite, but it's all just for joking right? (FULL DISCLOSURE: It's not all for joking.)

Meat Free

So, I listened to my conscience, and to BSH, and decided against my online meat purchase. Which is probably for the best, but not buying ANYTHING on-line left me feeling a little empty. So I decided to buy something else that I can't find in San Francisco, (the first of course being good barbecue) TAB. I don't mean the energy drink, I mean the good old fashioned Diet Cola. TAB is delicious, so tasty you won't even know it's diet! Plus the cans are so pretty, pink for the ladies. mmmmm. It's probably not a really good idea to ship a case of soda, but hopefully it's a better idea than the meat. And I definitely think its a better than forcing my Dad to fill a suitcase with TAB when he came to visit last week, which was my first idea. For all those jealous ladies out there, don't worry, I'll pour a little on the ground for you.

Anytime's The Right Time

I took this picture at what is quickly becoming my FAVORITE place to bring "tourists" (read: I brought my mom there when she came to visit last week, and my dad while he was here this week, why the double-header visit I don't know). Anyway so it's a Chinese grocery around the block from me. Here's why this gross-ery is the place to be.
1. You are not supposed to be there.
2. It looks just like normal people grocery stores, except nothing makes sense and you don't want to eat any of it.
3. It's stinky (read below to see why...)
4. There are flies everywhere (again, the reason is below)
5. The "meat counter" doesn't have any of that fancy American wrapped meat or glass cases, it is more like the produce department, one is supposed to pull one of those vegetable bags off the spool and fill it with their favorite room temperature meat. Just try to fight through the old ladies shoving fist-fulls of fly covered chicken FEET (which by the way are the most expensive part of the bird) into their bags.
6. The fishmonger. Behind him is a veritable aquarium of live fish swimming around, when you choose the fish you want, he scoops it out with his net, bludgeons it with his hammer, and cuts it up for you. Also if you are one of the lucky few to see a tank teeming with live shrimp or prawns you will make a vow on the spot never to eat those sea-spiders again. Behind him too is a tank with something labeled in English as duck, but is a clam shell about the size of a dessert plate, with a HUMONGOUS Phallus pouring out of it, nay, standing at attention. But don't let the fish monger distract you from the main event, which you could trip over if you want to star in a horrible horrible nightmare you never before imagined. So by all means remember to look down. First is the bucket with the mesh on top, and when you look down there are huge live toads bright green and brown slimely crawling all over each other. And you think wow that's pretty bad, so you look in the next bucket with the mesh top, only to find EVEN BIGGER monster toads, the size of a baby's head. After being horrified by the first two buckets, you see the third one, the one with no mesh on the top, and you think it can't be as bad as the first two, because the "food" is obviously not going to jump out at you. But that's when you find out you're wrong, because in the third bucket are live bloody piles of dinner plate sized "soft shell" turtles. It took me two visits to even figure out that is what they were. They look like monsters. They are so gross that I want the monger to crush them with his hammer, I want them to die. Anyway the blood monsters are pretty much the highlight of the tour, and at that point you want to run anyway.
So next time you're in San Francisco give me a jingle, and I'll show you what's what.

Pretend This Is a Hypothetical Question

Is it ok to order barbeque on the internet? ( Has anyone purchased mail-order meat? What does it say about the purchaser? Does internet meat taste different?) Just wondering. It's for a friend.

My Dream Come True

Apparently I've fallen into some sort of nerd's paradise. And I couldn't be happier. First, about a week ago when I was looking for new episodes of This American Life to buy from itunes (so I can learn a little while I'm playing Zuma and Bejeweled on my ipod, which by the by is also why I listen to the podcast of GRE vocab words instead of using those pesky flashcards) when I noticed that they only cost 95 cents! We all know that they used to cost upwards of 3 dollars. I mean seriously, songs cost more than that, and we're talking about an hour of bliss. So, I've been silently enjoying the boon. When, to my surprise, what did I see at the itunes store but PBS shows available for purchase. And not just any PBS shows but Antiques Roadshow!?! Come on now. Really? So if you see a little extra spring in my step, its not the new orthopedic inserts, it's me celebrating the fact that at least for today all is right with the world. UPDATE: Free podcasts of new TAL episodes too!

Full Of Bad Ideas (and Babies)

Helpful Hint #21: If you find yourself at a baby shower, for someone you don't know very well, and there is a lull in the conversation, do not, no matter how much of a hypochondriac you may be, mention off-handedly that you may have scabies. Whilst this would not be a recommended topic for discussion in any setting (except with one's physician) you will find that a baby shower may in fact be the worst place to bring this up. Do not be alarmed if the hostess asks you to get off her couch, and more importantly don't try to "save" the conversation by saying you probably got them on the bus. Most importantly though, if anyone asks you if you have already treated the scabies (with body pesticides) say yes, even if you haven't it will put the hostess' mind at ease. If all else fails you may want to try the following: say that they misheard you in the first place, you don't have a bad case of scabies, you have a bad case of babies, you caught a bad case of babies on the bus. This being a baby shower, the other women will be inclined to believe your stories.

All I Want For Christmas Is Shane MacGowan's Two Front Teeth

...And for him to live until next Wednesday. The Pogues are just about the only band that my whole family agrees to like. A while ago I heard that they were coming to town, I politely explained how that wasn't possible, I knew for a fact that Kristy MacColl is dead, and I figured that the still living others had moved on by now. I didn't think twice about it. But apparently I was wrong, dead wrong. The original Pogues are coming to San Francisco on Wednesday, and so is my daddy, I'm looking forward to a little family bonding time. So, till then, hang on Mr. MacGowan, I've seen what you look like these days, and it isn't pretty. I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking that you survive long enough to make a girl and her men-folk happy.

Panacea TV

I don't have a lot going for me this week. I have a cold from my niece (she's always doing that) and I threw out my back mysteriously two weeks ago, it got better and better and then yesterday I couldn't move. I could talk about this all day if you let me. I didn't do anything to hurt my back, and I've never had back problems before, it just happened. For a hypochondriac this is a nightmare, unexplainable pain (I mean it is explainable I clearly have a tumor pushing against my spine). Picture it, lying face down trying to eat a greek salad, with my red raw cold nose, its pretty magic. So I'm fussy. But there is at least one hour everyday when I'm not thinking about me. Everyday this week there is TV premiere GOLD. Monday there was House of Carters (Nick and Aaron Carter live together with their sisters in one of the most magical forced dramas I have seen, there is no reason for them to live together except for the fact that they are getting paid to live there and it's beautiful), Nick beats Aaron behind closed doors, but don't worry you can still hear his screams. Speaking of which how cute is Aaron's little gun to the head pose in the ads. Precious. Plus the tag line, which goes a little something like, "Divided they've fallen...Together they just might stand a chance." Well, episode one and I already learned that those bruises Paris was sporting WERE from Nick after all, so case closed everyone. Last night was the season 3 premiere of Veronica Mars. Happy. Plus Tina Majorino (Mac) is a full time character this year which is a pleasure. V. Mars is pretty funny, so mama likes it. And tonight is the night of all nights, the 3rd season premiere of LOST which is more exciting to me than I care to admit. Lets say I feel closer to Lost than I do my extended family. And I think my priorities are in just the right place. So, enjoy, and let's hope your life is as exciting as mine.

WHY?

My brother just e-mailed me this picture with no text in the body of the e-mail, I have just one question (See Above).

SHEVIL DEAD

Even though the Shevil Dead lost, they are still winners in my eyes. How can you argue with ladies named Iva Vendetta, Ruby Bruiseday, and Taxi Scab. You can't. You just can't.